Thoughts...

The other day at lunch, I sat on the bench and was listening to my ipod of newly added songs. As I sat there I would catch myself watching people walking by and studying there manerisms, their interactions with a loved one and their facial expressions. Now, I use to sit in Central Park a lot last spring and write, make up stories about people, but after the past 6 months of my life I have been completely altered, thrown off my game and it's ok. It was welcomed. I have been shaken to my core. All those stories I have created were really meaningless because I never felt what love is outside of my family. I could try to understand, but now I get it. It's scary that one person can have such an effect on you, but it's really beautiful too. I am definitely not the same man I was on May 25th because on May 26th I finally met someone worth making an effort for. I can't tell you why this man got me, but he did. It may have been the walk from Chipotle to the train when he slowly and almost in a sly way reached out and rubbed the top of my head. I asked immediately... "how long have you been wanting to do that" his response "the moment I saw you" HA. He was honest, straightforward and I liked that. It's rare to find. My walk was a little lighter after that night....

Anyway, so as I sat watching everyone walk by I began to notice a pattern. The people who had a "person" with them had a smile on their face, a lighter step in their walk and almost an air about them. A freeness of being comfortable and happy. The people who walked by me alone either was on their phone, mumbling to themselves or a look of sadness on their face. Now I know you can't be with someone 24/7. Everyone needs their space, even me, but you could tell in their eyes they were longing for their phone to ring, a text, someone to tap them on the shoulder and say hi or just to walk silently with them.

You don't need anyone to make you complete, but you should want someone to share your life with-- the highs, the lows and everything in between. Everyone is built differently and what works for one person, does not mean it will work for you. I personally know that what you set out to do in life or how you expect things to turn out can change in an instant. Yes, have a picture in your mind or a plan of how you want your life to be, but don't be afraid of the curve ball that may be thrown your way. Sometimes in life you just have to do and not think. You may let life pass you by if you think about every single step...

Think about it and call me back :)

Your Gut

Have you ever been so sure about anything in your life and just couldn't let yourself give up on it because you know deep down it is meant to be? I know I should try and not wait, not wait around and I should really try to see what else is going on in my life and focus on that, but a song, a movie, an event and they all bring me back to with what I am consumed with. Is there a reason for this? Is there a reason why I can't turn the page. Maybe because I'm not ready to turn the page, maybe I am just so numb I can't even lift the page to begin with.

I love. I truly love, selfless love... the feeling that I never thought I could have for anyone and really be able to express that love and now, I still have that love, maybe even more so because it isn't sitting next to me, or lying next to me at night or holding me. I miss his laugh, the sideways smirk when something is on his mind, the random hair on his ear, the kisses on my neck, our toes intertwined with one another. I miss him. All of him. I was happy with him and now I feel lost, sad, anxious and weary of what is down the road. I've given a lot of myself to someone and I don't regret one minute of it. Has it been an easy road, NO, but things that are worth anything take effort. Do I believe this could be an amazing relationship yes, and that is why I am not turning the page, that is why I won't turn the page. I feel it, deep down, I have never been more sure of anything in my life. Will it come true, time will tell.

Think about it and call me back :)

rAnDoM sTrInG oF tHoUGhTs...

I think it is time to shift gears. It is an interesting, pivotal point in time, it's like you are walking on the beach and you have this plan, you have this path and you are full steam ahead. And the next thing you know you feel your feet walking a little heavier or you are a little more stagnant. I feel like right about now it is when you stop and take a deep break and take a peek at what footprints you left in the sand behind you. Then looking forward now at this empty plot of sand and saying "what's next?", "what am I doing?", "how can I change my pace?", "how can I improve it?", and "what's down the path for me?". Facing things we don't know, aren't really prepared for and challenge our self with and put a brave face on which is exciting, but also gets you a little nervous.

So right now I am stopped in my tracks, I have looked behind me and see a successful path of prints, but when I look ahead and see this open area and not sure what step I should take next is a little daunting. I know I am ready for the next step that is completely off the path on which I have traveled professionally in the past four years. I am ready for a change and it is exciting feeling the preparations of this change occurring. I found a new apartment and moved in with roommates, yes I will miss living alone, but I have accepted the fact I can't have everything I want all at once. My relationship is exciting and new for me, but I need to focus more on me, than him or us. It is important not to change your path or your goals because someone is now part of your life. They don't make up all of your life and I am beginning to realize this. I do love him and I am very happy, but I need my life to progress in a happy, fruitful manner and succeed as an individual before I can honestly succeed as a couple. I want to bring him along for the ride and be the person I look to for advice and guidance, but taking actions and steps alone is part of finding yourself and growing, learning and experiencing what it is to live.

Think about it and call me back :)

It's Amazing and Miraculous To Be Alive

I wouldn't trade it...

Even through the pain
Even through the frustration
Even through the disappointments

Even when I'm broke
Even when I'm misunderstood
Even when people don't like me- just because they love me
Even when character gets called into question
Even when the pressure becomes so profuse that options seem limited
And I feel alone...

I wouldn't trade it...

And even if I never make a million dollars
Or become a household name
Even if I died today and nobody knew what I meant...

Because it's all I have.

And even if the Sun doesn't rise anymore
Or global warming bakes the Earth's surface
If I never get laid again
Or I have to eat oodles and noodles the rest of the month

Even if it's one of those days that everything goes wrong
It's alright
Even if everything isn't okay...
It's okay...

I can be okay with being un-okay

Because I'm alive.

And I wouldn't trade it.

And nobody can take that away.

I'm alive

And I will continue to live forever through what I have accomplished up until now...

No matter how small, it's huge- because I was here with you

And I saw you smile

And we laughed together

And we cried together

And we argued

And we challenged each other

And we grew from it

And we live forever

Even if tomorrow doesn't come

Because today we are alive

Just because tomorrow isn't promised

I have to cherish today...

Everyday

And I will fight for freedom

And I will call into question inequality, unfair treatment, things that I don't understand

I won't please everyone

And unfortunately I will get hurt in the process

But starting today I will not complain

I will simply change the world and keep moving forward.

And I won't offer any apologies for this

And I wouldn't trade it...

Because it's all I have.

Think about it and call me back :)

PREVIEW

Have you just wanted to know...wanted to see a quick preview of your life? The beginning, middle and the end. Not every single detail, but the main players who will impact you. This can let you know who to let into your heart and the ones you should let walk right passed you without giving them a second glance.

Sometimes I wonder if I put too much energy in people and don't receive the same actions back. I follow the golden rule "treat those in your life the way you would want to be treated." It is not that I feel like I waste my time because I believe every person you meet will shape your life one way or the other and you will learn from them and grow. But I guess the preview will move certain things and people along so you don't get hurt by those who will have a negative impact on your life and this will allow you to know who will matter in the long run. I think the preview will give you peace of mind about your life and the choices you will ultimately make. I suppose the preview would be a "could be life" because if you don't like what you see you would know how to or who or what to avoid. I suppose I just want to know. Know what my life will be like who I marry, what my career will be, how will I turn out before my credits roll.

It's hard to tell yourself to live in the moment when all you are doing is questioning the future. WHO? WHAT? WHEN? AND WHERE? Who be the ONE, what is your life going to entail personally and professionally, when will you meet this person and where will your life take you.

We all wonder what our life is going to be like. We all have this picture of the ideal situation and yes maybe that person you thought was going to be on this journey with you may change from time to time. You picture, you wonder and are hopefully satisfied.

I think I want a preview to see what is in store for me...

Think about it and call me back :)

this IS your life… are you who YOU want to be?

Question for you – At what point is it ok to measure ourselves? When are we actually allowed to find a place in time and say I've done this, I've done that, this has been public, this has been private. How do we measure ourselves and what are we measuring ourselves against- Our limitations? Our goals? Each other? What is that measuring stick for ourselves? Is it what we want to accomplish? Is it what our parents have set out for us to do? Our peers? Our friends? Our bosses? Our co-workers? At what point do we find ourselves, saying to ourselves, ok this is good, this is bad, this is a success, and this is a failure. If your like me it's all in your heart. I'm really tough on myself and I think everyone is very different about how they measure themselves. For those of us that don't have what the public would perceive as extraordinary lives- how do you look back on your time and your experiences and measure those, I guess is where I am trying to go with all this. Experiences that we have had, friendships we've had, relationships we've had, jobs we've had, where does that all stack up for us? Are we trying to get to one particular point, is there just one lofty goal that were all trying to meet? Or do we have lots of little steps or I guess a latter where we have measurable goals along the way. Some people are always trying to live up to the standards that their parents present to them, some people who don't care what their parents think are trying to keep up with their peers. Some people only basically live to work and therefore their bosses are their higher power that they answer to. I think in trying to understand how everyone else measures themselves along the way I find myself wondering how I do the same thing and who in my life holds those measuring sticks for me. When I boil it all down it's always me. I'm always the hardest one on myself and I'm always the one who sort of lies in bed at night and says "did I do a good job today" and I am an over-thinker, over worrier and a planner, but ultimately we answer to ourselves. Why can't sometimes we give ourselves a break? I'm in a time right now where I'm questioning a lot of things all in a healthy way, I think. Trying to change some bad habits, trying to increase the good habits, trying to be a good person and I think that's all we can ask of ourselves. So how do we measure ourselves? Take a look at your own life. Who are your bosses in life? You? Your boss? Your friends? Your parents? How does it all measure up and then find out what is worthy of actually being that higher place, that judgment seat for yourself. Ultimately I think it should be ourselves because at the end of the day we are the ones that have to answer to our own attitudes and our own senses of self worth in achievement. So that's that… this IS your life… are you who YOU want to be?

Think about it and call me back :)

Happy With the NOW...

It's so strange with relationships. It is really all about timing and you just wish it would click because you know something is there, but for one reason or another there is a hitch. Which is strange, annoying and frustrating. I mean you have a successful life--great friends, great job, awesome family, but because you don't have that "person" in your life it almost feels a bit empty and whatever you do doesn't seem to be enough. Why is it that a significant other can determine ones happiness or worth? Why can't anyone be content with themselves and be happy with the present? Yes human nature, says there is always something more and one is ever satisfied, but why not try to look beyond that and be happy with the NOW. Personally, I am trying to live that way, to be satisfied with the now and not looking too far ahead, but having never had a true relationship, I am ready for one. Ready for that next step. I'm not talking white picket fence next step, but someone to share things with, do things with and be crazy with. To have those amazing butterflies constantly and to be done with the thoughts of the game, will this person text me or call or do i need to do it. I just want to feel free to contact and for them to contact me without hesitation of giving the wrong impression. I know what I want and I ready for it.... but again, why can't it just be here. And yet, I can't take my own advise of being happy with the NOW. That person will potentially make me the happiest and why is that? What is ingrained in our head that we won't be happy unless we have someone....

Think about it and call me back :)